You made it, but your friend didn't

Old Musings from Many Moons Ago

There’s a pull inside of me to just post this picture and let it just be a little happy and cute photo of me.

There’s a deeper pull inside of me to tell the story with this photo and why I love and hate it.

That is the cool part though, we can share whatever we want with this world and we can also transform anything into another thing.

This photo was taken November 3rd, 2018. I woke up so insanely happy and giddy. I put on some purple sparkly eyeshadow and ran off to work. I was literally so happy that I wanted to document this moment, so I just grabbed a quick, sweet smile and went on with my day. I thought to myself how happy I was that I got that photo because I will always look back on it and feel the happiness that produced it.

That is the day my best friend took her life.

It truly pains me to have felt such genuine happiness on a day that my dear friend lost hope.

I feel guilty and also not, because I could’ve done more. We all could’ve and we all did all we could.

However, I feel guilty because she and I shared so much of our despair and suicidal thoughts together. I came out alive though and she…didn’t.

And I almost feel guilty for having this happiness I built inside of me since my attempts. I feel guilty that I look and felt so damn happy on the morning of her death.

And now, I’m mourning her death.

I’ve had this weird aching feeling of this and haven’t really came truthfully into terms with it until I found the picture again today.

I hate this photo because it reminds me of a day that wasn’t so happy. Ashamed of being genuinely joyful in it.

A reminder that my dear friend didn’t make it.

I love this photo because I’m genuinely giddy in it. It took me 25 years (at the time) to finally see happiness in my eyes like this.

This picture made me feel like I made it.

I love that I’m wearing purple sparkly eyeshadow in this photo though … it was her favorite color and she was such a sparkly person. It’s very clear that she will always be a part of my happiness.